Secret Wedding

My daughter gets married today. This would normally be considered a joyous family event and the mother of the bride would have pride of place. If only.

The wedding was announced in June last year, before Rosemarie went into hospital, and at that time the only major problems were her difficulties eating and generally poor communication. We talked of having her carer come to the wedding with her and being with her throughout the day and helping her with the meal. We talked about shopping for dresses and the joys of seeing our daughter's special day. The logistics would be complicated but it was possible.

Then time happened. A few months ago we had a mini family conference (which tragically excludes Rosemarie now) and looked honestly at the options. The wedding was at a location an hour's drive outside London. Rosemarie cannot travel by car - we would be talking about an hour's journey by ambulance, probably on a stretcher, with a carer in attendance. Then she would be thrust into an environment full of noise and strangers for several hours, with a limited understanding (probably) of what was going on, and then another hour's journey by ambulance back to the Care Home.

She had a right to be at her daughter's wedding.

But.....

Every professional we spoke to advised against it. She has a tenuous grasp of what is happening. I am not sure she would understand that it was the wedding of her daughter (who is pretty much convinced that Rosemarie does not recognise her) and there would be so many things that could upset her.

And.....

Here's the thing. And it makes me feel a real shit for saying it. The wedding is the bride's day. And the truth is, that if Rosemarie was there then the whole day would be about her, managing her needs and making sure she was ok.

This is a costly decision. I do not have the courage to try to explain to her that her daughter is getting married and she is not going to be there. She may understand what I am talking about and she may not. Catch-22. If she does understand she will be upset and angry (to put it mildly). She resents being in the Care Home anyway in her lucid moments; to know that she is excluded from her own daughter's wedding will be unbearable. If she doesn't understand all that will be communicated is that there is something she cannot do and she will be upset and angry....

And we have the aftermath to deal with. Do  we pretend it never happened? We have  a plan.

We  will choose a weekend when the weather looks ok. We will get Rosemarie a nice outfit and all assemble in suits (and our daughter in her wedding dress) with the wedding photographer at the Care Home. We will take her down to the garden in her wheelchair and pose for pictures. Afterwards we will have some cakes and tea in the cafeteria in the Care Home. Hopefully that will provide memories for Rosemarie of a wedding event and the photos can then be printed and hung on the wall of her room. There will be something for her to remember where there was a bride and groom and her family.

Even this is not without risk. I am never sure at any given moment how much Rosemarie understands about what is going on. If she realises that this is not a wedding and it must have already happened then it will all have been for nothing.

On  my way back from breakfast in the hotel dining room with my son this morning he observed that there must be an event happening today because there was a lot of activity in the Orangery.

"Oh Yes," said a large, busy-looking woman wearing hair curlers who was walking past us, "My daughter is getting married here today."