The Exhaustion of Listening
It is almost impossible to understand Rosemarie now, unless she is very angry or just communicating a single, simple word like 'Yes' or 'No'. She repeats the same syllable constantly during the 'sentence' and it never seems to have anything to do with a recognisable word. There is a small amount of cadence but that doesn't really help.
It is distressing for both of us, and there are often tears of frustration on both sides.
Either she is communicating something she thinks is funny or interesting - often interspersed with smiles or laughter - or she is upset or angry and trying to get this across.
In both cases she is usually expecting some response, and that is deadly ground. In the past, particularly when she was suffering from delirium, she seemed less interested in responses, and we could get away with 'Mmmm', 'Yes I know' or 'Absolutely'.
Not any more.
So what do I say? I can, of course, ask her to repeat the sentence, I can try to guess and ask a leading question, or I can make a noncommittal noise. None of these are safe options - maybe a 25% success rate.
It is obviously so clear in her head, and the intensity of the communication demands some response. I find myself straining to catch the slightest hint of what she is talking about.
I have found I can't stop. I can't turn off.
It seems I am hard wired to try to understand the communication when someone is speaking directly to me. If it is background noise of a foreign language film without subtitles I can block it out, but when it is a personal communication it has an almost unbearable priority, and in Rosemarie's case the consequences of getting it wrong intensify the pressure.
It is exhausting.
I used to stay with Rosemarie for three or four hours a day with no problem, but now I feel drained after a couple of hours. Some days she is chatty and good humoured and laughing a lot and that makes me feel worse. I desperately want to understand her, to join in, to connect, but I have no Universal Translator.
The universe is unthinkingly cruel.
It is distressing for both of us, and there are often tears of frustration on both sides.
Either she is communicating something she thinks is funny or interesting - often interspersed with smiles or laughter - or she is upset or angry and trying to get this across.
In both cases she is usually expecting some response, and that is deadly ground. In the past, particularly when she was suffering from delirium, she seemed less interested in responses, and we could get away with 'Mmmm', 'Yes I know' or 'Absolutely'.
Not any more.
So what do I say? I can, of course, ask her to repeat the sentence, I can try to guess and ask a leading question, or I can make a noncommittal noise. None of these are safe options - maybe a 25% success rate.
It is obviously so clear in her head, and the intensity of the communication demands some response. I find myself straining to catch the slightest hint of what she is talking about.
I have found I can't stop. I can't turn off.
It seems I am hard wired to try to understand the communication when someone is speaking directly to me. If it is background noise of a foreign language film without subtitles I can block it out, but when it is a personal communication it has an almost unbearable priority, and in Rosemarie's case the consequences of getting it wrong intensify the pressure.
It is exhausting.
I used to stay with Rosemarie for three or four hours a day with no problem, but now I feel drained after a couple of hours. Some days she is chatty and good humoured and laughing a lot and that makes me feel worse. I desperately want to understand her, to join in, to connect, but I have no Universal Translator.
The universe is unthinkingly cruel.
posted by Other Kosh at 8:50 pm
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